jumping off the binge wagon

2010-01-08T13:09:00.000-08:00

omg. my computer broke and my friend is trying to fix it! I am freaking out without it,guess i did not realize how addicted I was. I am borrowing this one for a little bit.

Well WOW!!!

Christmas was ok. Went to the in laws and they were gracious and very kind even though my ex was there.
Lets just say I am glad its all over.

I maintained and I am glad for it.

I have started losing again and boy does it feel GREAT! Back in the swing of things and found a great new workout! lol.
Pushing the pram with the girls inside uphill in snow!!! FLIP me it is hard work. My thighs are still blinking sore. I am very proud of myself that I didn't give in to cabs. I just know myself and if I did I would give in more than once.
I have made a chart to track my progress and it is helping me more than I thought it would.I can just look at it daily and know how I am doing. It is a visual thing. I have been experimenting with cooking different foods and I am very happy with what has been created. The chili is my fave!
Well that is the update!

2009-12-18T02:36:00.000-08:00

Well we walked to school in the snow this morning and it was great! what great memories for my girls. We don't get much snow over here in N. Ireland. I want them to see it cause I grew up in MI and loved having fun winters!!
I love this new fitter feeling. I am have been reminiscing of a year ago there is no way I would have been able to walk even half as far as I have been walking everyday!!
What a amazing feeling that is. I am truly proud of myself. I may not have lost massive amounts of weight yet but as far as my health it has improved so much. The thing is its only gonna get better!! I am so blessed to be pretty healthy anyway and I am making the choice to change before I am FORCED to for health reasons. I feel so excited for the future.
I have a pot of Lyn's ( Escape from Obesity )kale in the croc pot so I am excited to try it out!

Thinking again of starting to strength train twice a week and swim once a week with my friend.

I think I am getting addicted to this walking thing! I am starting to crave exercise that is unbelievable for me. Complete miracle! LOL!! For real!

2009-12-14T02:58:00.000-08:00

Christmas is nearly here! I cant believe the year has flown in so fast. Sometimes it feel like all i did was blink and it was nearly gone other times it feels like snail pace.

A bit similar with my weight. Sometimes it feels like it only took a month to gain soooooo much weight and then it feels like it will take years to actually get down to a normal weight.

I had a OK wknd. I felt a bit stressed about things but I didn't have a full throttle binge session. That is a big improvement from the past few months. I am slowly becoming stronger and stronger.

In fitness news I am getting fitter. I actually passed someone that was smaller than me!! It was not bother either. She was walking moderate pace and I overtook her. No one will prob understand how at the start of my walking I mentioned how this old man passed me and he had a limp and everything!!! I am so used to being last and slow. This is HUGE for me.
I am starting to be proud of myself.

2009-12-10T04:12:00.001-08:00

Well I feel like I am back in my stride.

I am eating and counting cals using spark people they even have a app for my phone.
I have been doing my walking and enjoying it!
My body is sore but I even enjoy that cause I know its burning fat!

I have 7 months including this month before I see some really important people in my life.
I am going to do the BEST I can to lose some of this weight and be healthier when I see them.

I feel really positive about the changes I am making. I am keeping a chart up to track my days and how I do so that I can start to see any patterns to the madness. I am crazy like that. lol!

2009-12-08T04:22:00.000-08:00

Its been wayyyyyyy too long.

Firstly can I just thank Friend of the Bear for the lovely blog award as much as I dont deserve it. FOB you have been such a great encourager to me and I do NOT take it for granted. Thank you so much.

I am living and not losing. I am not binging or not exercising just not losing. I need to so change things up and push PUSH so much harder. I know for a fact if I push even just a LITTLE bit more I will see results.

So once again here it goes.

2009-11-24T04:09:00.001-08:00

I love this blogging community! I have to admit though I will not be posting everyday as much as everyone says I should emotionally I cant.

So I have been very lonely lately. I am really struggling with being alone with no husband or partner. IT is so hard.

At the same time I know that this right. I need to heal. I need restoration.
God is helping with all this. I am trying to really prioritize my physical restoration in my mind. If I don't it wont happen.

My girls take so much of me. I need to really make a MASSIVE effort to make time for me.
I have been logging what goes in my mouth everyday. Sometimes it is actually quite scary. It is so good to have a food diary.

I am going to visit my parents in MI in the summer. This is a gift from my MIL which is SO unbelivably genrous. As her son and I are not longer together. She has been a amazing support to me on a daily basis. She loves her grandgirls so much.

So I am thinking how much can I lose in 6 months?????????

2009-11-19T02:09:00.001-08:00

OK so I need to challenge myself to start cooking more creative foods.
I have gotten really lazy about it and I need to shake things up so I don't get bored.

Need to change my walking routine around as well. I know I have to walk to school. On the days I don't walk her up there I want to do a run/walk on the treadmill.

I am TRYING so hard to keep changing my mindsets. Instead of ohhhhh I have a morning off... I need to say OK I have a opportunity to change things up and do something different.

I am changing slowly but surely...

2009-11-13T08:13:00.000-08:00

I thought I was slipping into " treat wknd mindset " again. BUT safe to say I have not give in.

My Eldest who is 3 yrs old, is starting to really scare me. I know we shouldn't put our fears of our weakness onto our kids but she seems to have mirrored some of my bad habits regarding eating.
I am changing me.
Slowly but surely I am becoming a new more in control person. A person who loves and embraces discipline. A person who does not ignore pushing her body in exercise and physical activity.

I am a new person.

2009-11-11T02:17:00.000-08:00

Well I have been walking to school with the kids. Actually one walking and pushing the other in the pram. I have eased myself back into it I am still a bit weak from being sick.

I am proud of my attitude to get strong and healthy I am not proud of the fact that I am 27 feeling 57.
It is so hard mentally to actually take responsibility for the horrible state I have let my body get into.
Thank God I can turn things around.

I honestly feel as if I am a snail climbing a mountain but one slither at a time huh?

I really appreciate all your encouraging comments it means so much to me.

2009-11-09T08:57:00.000-08:00

Well I never thought my life would turn out like this!

Being a single Mommy is tough. When the girls get sick and I get sick its is hard!!
But little one is on antibiotics and hopefully will be turning a corner soon.

I am so very determined to start shifting my focus back to being more creative with healthy cooking! I am going to start walking my oldest to school tomorrow. My MIL has been great giving her lifts to school since me and Little one were sick.

I am going to be a healthy, sexy woman when I get a divorce next year.

I am tired of people looking down on me and telling me what I will or will not accomplish.

2009-11-07T09:57:00.000-08:00

Well we have been really sick. Sick Tummy's and all.

I am completely drained.

2009-11-04T02:09:00.000-08:00

I am back.

I am such a loser for avoiding accountability but I am good at blocking things and avoiding, its what I have done for a long time. I am grasping that I don't have to do it in the future.

Well I have not weighed in a while. I turned 27 on the 1st of Nov and so had a busy week having fun!!!

I have not lost control and binged.
I just have not held myself accountable in what goes in my mouth. I liked " not Thinking " about it so much.

Anyways time to get over the past few weeks and get in the groove again.

2009-10-25T13:59:00.000-07:00

Well I have had a OK weekend.
Not as great as last but that's OK.

I have had some serious financial stress lately and dealing with that was hard the past few days. I felt out of control and when that feeling happens I tend to take control in a BAD way. I Binge. Its like I feel better with a out of control situation by making a controlled decision about eating in a out of control way. make sense? Lol. Its heavy but its my truth.
I am not happy with all my choices the past few days but I am very pleased to go fwd to a healthy week.

2009-10-22T03:18:00.001-07:00

I am very surprised at the way things are going.
I posted not too long ago that it took FOREVER for me to lose a dress size. I thought because I am so darn short.
But I did just fit into my rain coat and a pair of trousers. SO I started thinking about it and I think because this time around I have been walking so much and doing that consistently my body is losing weight different to how its used to when I just change my eating and do a wee bit of exercise.

Very VERY happy about that.

I think I am going to start running and walking. A super healthy and fit friend of mine said to start running 20 sec then walk two minutes about 10 times so I am gonna give that a go tonight on the treadmill!

2009-10-20T01:42:00.000-07:00

Woke up this morning feeling like it couldn't possibly be time to wake up. It was so dark. I thought. Crap its raining. I wanted to pull the covers over my head and crawl back under.

But I didn't.

Got up got the girls ready. Put the rain cover over the pram. Got my Eldest daughter her waterproof trousers, rain coat and umbrella.

ALL ready. Right?

NO.

WAIT FOR IT......

MY RAIN COAT FIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Could not have been better timing! OK so it was not fashion statement of the year as it is still very tight in the lower waist. But a need was met. I was in no mood to get drenched.
The entire way up and down to school I just thought. Yea Girl you go on with your bad self. lol.
I am so proud that I am fighting hard and starting to see the benefits.
I know it will just get looser and looser. That will be even better as I was a little self conscious in her school because it was so tight. So I unzipped it and zipped it up outside when I was leaving. BUT I am so thankful I did not get soaked.

2009-10-19T02:09:00.000-07:00

I wonder if a pregnant elephant ever wants to transform into a gazelle?

So walking to school today I honestly felt as if I was a pregnant elephant since my walk was more like a waddle.
For some reason my hips are super stiff! I imagine hearing sound effects while I am walking like a squeaky door or something. I wish I could squirt some WD40 on them. LOL!
But I have the privlage of changing myself and transforming into the Gazelle!

Just to say I am very proud of myself that I had a succesful healthy weekend!
It was great. I am really pleased with myself. At times it was a bit hard but not too bad.
I am hoping as I make the effort time after time it will get eaiser.
I had a big walk on Saturday and I thought it would have helped the walk today.As in it wouldnt hurt my legs so much but it didnt.

I am feeling stronger day by day! More healthy and happy.
I also fit into a pair of trousers that didnt fit me before!
I am down a pound today even though TOM came!!!
YIPEEEE!!!

2009-10-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Well I have got myself ready for this weekend! I am not gonna just let the weekend happen.
I know what food I need to buy and what I am going to make. I have a plan.
The biggest and most important thing is I have made the DECISION to have a healthy weekend.

* No Alcohol
* No Junk Food
* Get enough rest
* Go for a Big walk Saturday and walk to church Sunday

I have made a promise to myself that I will run that hill to school someday. I have a deep craving to run somewhere inside me. All these runners pass me on a daily basis and they look so healthy. That will be me in the near future. I know it.

I have a really good feeling in my core.
I think this life change is gonna not only surprise me but a hell of a lot of people in my life.

2009-10-15T02:10:00.000-07:00

So my house is a stinking mess. I am annoyed and ashamed of myself for letting it get so untidy. It a bit dirty too. I think being sick and the girls being sick and blah blah freaking blah.
I am lazy.
I do get frustrated when I am tidying and cleaning and two seconds later I turn around and everything has been undone by two little helpers behind me. So I figure whats the point?
LOL! I need to get laziness out of my life.

I got into a funk over the ex AGAIN.

I climbed out to the funk AGAIN.

I am thinking about some comments I got about how I do weekends.

I need to seriously up my game when Friday hits, I need to get out of its the wknd and time for a treat mindset. If I don't, it will be forever and a day till I reach my goal.

I was reading someones blog today about how they don't weigh themselves they just go by the dress sizes lost and measurements. I think if I did that I would be waiting a hell of a long time. Because I am so short it takes a year for me to lose a dress size!! I honestly think I will have to lose about 30 pounds before I go into a comfortable next dress size. Well for the trousers at least. I am bigggggg friggin huge on the bottom pretty big all over but anyways.

This is all my random thoughts today.

I have also realized I have to concentrate very hard and almost obsess about changing my lifestyle habits to get anywhere. I have to be constantly thinking about what I am going to eat when,how many cals and on and on.
I think it will get easier wont it?

2009-10-14T03:06:00.000-07:00

I wonder why I find it so incredibly hard to stay in the day.

I jump ahead to what will I will lose in a week or a month. Then I lose focus on the day.

My goal today is to stay in today.

2009-10-12T04:05:00.000-07:00

What a great wknd I had!

I have not been " out " in ages. My Friend and I went and had dinner and went to see Graffiti Classics a humours string quartet. What a great night! We went out for a couple drinks after.

So dinner was nice I got peppercorn chicken and it was lovely! The key was I ate half of the meal if that and that was all. I felt stuffed. No starter no dessert. Just lovely meal and great conversation.

The theater where the quartet performed was small. Small enough that my big thighs were rubbing against the poor man next to me.

It was nice having control. It was nice feeling kinda pretty. It was nice thinking of the future.

I hope that in the future I wont be freaking out about my thighs or how tight my trousers are or any of those things that kind of take over these days. I am so ready to trade those days in.

I did have a big glass of red wine and a raspberry Margarita. YUMMY!

The weekend is over though. Back to even BETTER choices.

I am feeling exausted today.

I think its cause this cold has attached to my chest and is not letting go. I really dont want to go to the doc I am gonna phone him this afternoon and see what he has to say. I feel like I could sleep for a year. The girls were with the Dad yesterday and I came home from church and slept for hours. It was nice.

Derailed?

2009-10-10T03:47:00.000-07:00

So I am really good when things are going according to plan. When they start to go a bit pear shaped I get flustered and get easily derailed.

It was a horrible grey day yesterday. Like about to thunderstorm like crazy grey! So I power walked Grace to school and then back down home with other little one so felt great. But then it was getting darker and darker and lucky for me a couple of friends popped in for a coffee and offered to give me a lift up to get Grace. So that was OK but then she offered we come round hers for lunch! That was OK too I figured it cant be too bad right? WELLLL.... She asked my 3yr old what she fancied for lunch of course Grace said chips/fries!
You get the gist.
We ended up eating Chip butties/ Fries on buttered white bread for lunch.
Crap.
So I thought OK Letta that's fine just because you did a little mistake does not mean you have to go mad and eat what the hell ever. My big weakness.
So got home and didn't eat all that much just a baby portion of stew for dinner.
Then comes Saturday and I go into treat mindset. I am going out with a good friend to dinner and then a show after.
Sorry for rambling on and on but I just want to stay sane.
I don't want to binge.

2009-10-09T02:10:00.000-07:00

I am feeling wonderful this week! Wonderful in eating and exercise not the cold that has clung on.
I have been walking walking walking!!! I feel like I am truly starting to own that hill up to Grace's school. For real! I am eating what I want in moderation and seeing results. It is so nice to trust myself again. Making healthy choices with food is so rewarding. I feel like I am getting some power back. Power that I had given to my emotions for so long.
I have not bought or drank any red wine ( one of my downfalls ), or binged on my usual trigger food.
I see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Thank you to all who comment your words of truth and encouragement spur me on.

2009-10-07T08:11:00.000-07:00

ok am I a complete freak that I am more than a little obsessed with weighing first thing in the morning butt ass naked?
For some reason I believe that is the most acurate weight.

If that is the case....
I broke into the 60's!!!! I am at 268!!!!!

and......

its TOM!

I did the walk today and felt a lot better. I even walked into town after.

Feeling flippin great!

2009-10-06T02:15:00.000-07:00

I just made the best omelet ever. It was so filling and tasted so good. I just filled it with a wee bit of cheese and leftover roasted veg. OMG.

I have not been doing the usual walk to school cause my chest is so sore with the coughing. I am scared that I am undoing so much. BUT it is cold and really wet out and I know its not wise for me to do it unless I want to get even more sick. I cant afford to get worse.

I need to start making things change in my life. I cant wait around anymore.
I do know my girls need me to be there constant,but I also believe they need a happy confident Mommy.

2009-10-05T02:06:00.000-07:00

I am sick.

My toddlers are sick.

I am not a good sick/cold/chesty cough person at all.
Ever since I moved to this damp country about 6 years ago I get sick every year despite my super healthy body fighting the bug. Yeah that would be if I had a SUPER healthy body.

I am really happy though cause I am usually a sick person who loves lots of hot drinks, not to bad there but I like to eat crisps/chips, choc,really anything in site.
TODAY marks a change that I only noticed when I actually realized I was chopping all veggies in sight.
I was CRAVING roasted vegetables while being sick. I have a huge desire to feed my sick body healthy foods to help revive it somehow. I can think of nothing better than snacking on roast veg, herbal teas, and a egg.
Today marks change. Much needed change.
I am sick but now I am very happy with my choices.

2009-10-04T00:38:00.000-07:00

sorry... sorry.....sorry.

OK so something that I have noticed myself doing lately is apologizing to complete strangers everyday for being me.
It is a habit that I have been doing for years. I guess because normal sized people don't brush people as they walk by or take up the whole sidewalk, take up all the room walking under a bridge so people have to wait on the other side till I hurry my big ass up. The list is way to long to list.
I have decided to stop saying sorry.
I am better than that I don't need people ignoring my sorry or looking at me like I am so jacked up. Plus I am a amazing person I don't need to apologize for myself.

Last night went well. I think.
I did not touch the cake even though it looked hella good. I was offered to take some home but passed it up. I had a friend asking me was I OK since I didn't eat much! lol! The only thing I was disappointed with was I ate a bit too much cheese. Love cheese. But over all I did well.

Came home got ready for bed looked in the mirror and WOW I am big. Do you ever have those moments? I am the type of person who has a mind that thinks I am smaller than I actually am. If I could really grasp how much I let myself go physically I think I would have a serious breakdown. Seriously. I am not the type of chubby person who dresses grossly with tight clothes not that type of denial but when I glanced in the mirror last night I could have lost the plot. I am MASSIVE. No exaggeration just MASSIVE. 270 pounds on 5"2 inches is no joke.
God help me to get this sorted one day at a time.

2009-10-03T02:00:00.000-07:00

Woke up to really strong winds and rain! Lovely Northern Ireland! JK. I am so blessed and thankful I have a roof over my head and my daughters. It has calmed a wee bit now. The rain has stopped which is good cause I need to do some last minute shopping for a birthday party tonight. I am really looking fwd to tonight. The girls are getting babysat by a lovely girl from my church. I can relax and enjoy the evening. I am going to be very strict with what I eat before tonight cause I am sure the food will be nice along with a bit of wine! I need to walk into town and get a nice card, and gift.
Yesterday I made the most delish soup! Bacon, Leek and Potato. YUMMY! Perfect warming fall dinner! The girls liked it too. I think my mindset is def changing cause before if I would have had the soup it would have just been a starter, or I would have had a couple bowls with a whole loaf of bread. When I finished two small bowls I started to want to chew more. Then I caught myself on realized I was perfectly full and satisfied and it was OK to stop. I pray to God to keep helping my mindsets change.
It makes all the difference.

2009-10-02T03:50:00.000-07:00

My daughters have had a horrible cough this week. I have had to keep the little one out of nursery school for 3 days. I actually was relieved I didn't have to drag by big butt up the hill. I can so feel that I have not done it. I feel that little bit more heavy and sluggish. I still walked other places those days since I have no car.I still feel that without that hill challenge it just made a small difference to my fitness.
So I want to be so proud of myself this time next month. I want to look back on October and think.... Wow Letta u kicked ass!
I am a very strong person in other areas of my life. I want to be strong enough to be consistent to eat well and exercise as well.
So my plan is to not put things off cause I will have to walk even further. To get up early to get focus on the day. put plans down on paper. have fun with exercise.

2009-09-30T14:51:00.000-07:00

I cant believe October will be here in a hour.

Sorry for not posting for a while. Feel like I was being a whiny little moan on here a lot of the time. I know this blog is meant to be for me to get my feelings out and to keep myself accountable. It is very hard when the same moan comes to mind day after day.
I do feel like I am doing OK.
But I guess my expectations for myself are a lot higher than OK.
I want change and I have been experienced a lot of it when it comes to my physical activity. I am still doing the walk up to the school with my girls. SO that is a positive.
I need to do better with eating the right things and laying off the red wine. The amount of cals in that stuff is crazy!
I can feel myself getting a little fitter. I cant wait to REALLY mesh the eating and exercise together.
That is my goal for October.
If I can eat well and keep up and increase the exercise this month I will be really pleased with myself.

2009-09-25T12:44:00.000-07:00

I am struggling on....

2009-09-19T04:23:00.000-07:00

OK.... I don't know about you but when things are tight financially its such a nice day when you get some money and your fridge gets full.

My Battle.....

is going to the grocery store. (Tesco)
So I was all ready a bit annoyed because as I got the girls ready to walk to the store it started to rain. So then I had to get them in their cute raincoats. One wanted to walk and the little one wanted in the pram with the rain cover. Well we are all ready right? OHHHHHHHhhhhh yeah the rain coat still does not fit me and I refuse to buy another till this one does. SO out the door we go. Umbrellas up and we are off. I was feeling grumpy but confident I would not purchase binge food. I had made a list of good food to go with healthy recipes.
So we are walking around and I started to remember why I don't go on a Saturday. People can be so rude when a Mom is walking with a pram and a little one walking along side. In saying that a lot can be really sweet as well. But just the amount of people in the store on a sat morn make it difficult. Even harder when your breaking habits of a lifetime and THINKING about what you are buying not being led by whims,taste buds and raging binge thoughts.
So here I am wandering around looking for anchovy paste for my wholemeal pita pizza recipe, had to finally ask. The guy was very helpful and got it and all. So I was getting in more of a tizzy because I only have a hand held basket on top of the pram and chucking bigger things in the second seat of the pram,things were starting to overflow. I started to realize even though we live close enough to the shop I am gonna need a taxi home!! WAY too much stuff. BUT I have to agree with experts when they say you can eat healthy for less money than buying processed meals all the time. I had so much stuff I thought it was gonna be over budget. IT WAS NOT!!! Thank God.
So I came home and had a lovely salad the girls had some too!

I feel so proud of myself that I didn't give in to my feelings of being anxious and wanting to eat yukky stuff!
Feel great after eating my salad and having a fridge full of healthy food!!!!!!!

Also a BIG thank you to all of you who leave comments it is so encouraging. I appreciate all your advice and support! You guys are great!

2009-09-18T07:37:00.000-07:00

I am done being in the fat suit.

I am going to join the gym.
I might leave it till the start of the new month till a bit more money comes in. I can do a trial for a month or so.
I want to start strength training.
I am enjoying this change. I know it wont always be easy.

But...

A Fire is raging DEEP in the pit of my being and I am ready to fight for a new life.

2009-09-17T05:56:00.000-07:00

Ok.
I REALLY want to join the new gym here in town. Its all bells and whistles.

BUT....

It costs a lot.
I have had gym memberships before and used it and lost weight. Also I have had gym memberships before and not gone because I have been so intimidated by all the hotties.
Also because its all bells and whistles I am thinking.... Is this just a poser gym? Do you have to look hot to even have the balls to show your face?
I am not driving here yet so would need to get a taxi or bus.
Childcare?

I guess it all boils down to am I ready to commit to going to the gym and making use of a membership.

P.S. I am wrecked from walking Grace to school and then to the grocery store...back to school to lift her!

2009-09-16T09:02:00.000-07:00

What a gorgeous day it is today! Sunny out with a bit of crisp in the air.

Met up with a friend I have not seen in a few months for coffee. It was lovely!

The girls are with their Dad today so day to myself.

I then met one of my closest friend for lunch. We went to http://www.avoca.ie/ which is this beautiful shop with quaint wee delights at every turn. We had lunch at the cafe upstairs. If this place was not in Belfast (a little to far for me to walk) I would be there way more often. I feel like it is such a treat even walking in and browsing around that I don't need to stuff myself with a " treat " at lunch!

So is that it?

Make your food gorgeous. Take time to prepare. Sit down at the table have some ambiance and really enjoy the taste. Make dinner a treat all in all rather than JUST a TREAT FOR THE TASTE BUDS?

2009-09-15T03:51:00.000-07:00

8:30 am Walk up the hill to Nursery School
9:05 am Walk down the hill home

10:30 am Walk up the hill to Nursery School
11:05 am Walk down the hill home

Total 3 Miles

I feel great! Wee bit sore but GREAT!

I will be counting my cals today but focusing on just being healthy!

I am surprised at the fact the walk is getting a teeny weeny bit easier.

Yahoooo!!!

2009-09-14T06:41:00.000-07:00

Is that the sun?

My eyes hurt from that bright light peeking through this black hole I have been stuck in for the past wee while.

It is that time again. Yep, time to forget about the mistakes made over the last few days and look towards how bright the future can be if I so choose. I want to inspire as I have been inspired.I want a life that shows that food can be enjoyed not obsessed over. I want a active life. I want to run in the fun run, go ice skating, bike riding, swimming ( without the panic attacks lol) horseback riding.

I will get there I just need to be patient.

2009-09-12T04:55:00.000-07:00

Well I have been really encouraged by reading every ones blogs as always.

I have been really struggling lately.

I really hate typing that though. I do feel like if everyone else can be motivational why cant I?
I don't even know how to describe where I am at right now. I feel like my kids future only rests on my shoulders now. I can not at all depend on their random dad. So was thinking of getting a wee Christmas job in Evans if I can. Then I thought about it and in a reality I think I really need to wake up and go back to University if I can. I need something solid for my girls future. I am 26 and its not to late.
I guess I can only the place I am at as super confused, let down and the pressure is choking me a bit.
Alas what provides a bit of security and comfy feeling in the midst of everything? food. Now I have not BINGED big style but its a relief not to THINK so hard about it all.
I need to get back in the way of it or things will never change health wise for me. It can not take a back seat all the time. I know life is hard its just my story right now.

2009-09-11T14:08:00.000-07:00

I have had a rough few days. I am in the middle of making a lot of decisions.

I did purchase Bach Emotional Eating Support Kit!
Strangely enough it works.

2009-09-08T04:33:00.001-07:00

Well today has been strange.

I had a lot of things planned for today. I was feeling SOOOOO positive ready to tackle any food temptations that came my way.

Well....
This day has went pear shaped. My youngest is potty training and we have had a HORRIBLE day with that. She has went backwards today. Among a lot of other things going wrong I wanted to break my slimming world plan and eat more than I should. NOT a full out binge just a teeny break in the points.
Stupid.
Well I decided if I am going to get where I want when I want its not worth going off the plan.
Usually when things do not go according to plan in my day it awakens the binge monster. Its like when things go wrong I want to say aghhhh well I might as well forget eating according to plan then as well.
That is changing....
I have such hope.
I can see myself really losing this 140 pounds. I need to lose more maybe I am about 5ft frigg all so my short self has a long way to go. I actually am guessing I might just be small boned as well. LOL!
I am really looking fwd to seeing what my face looks like with weight off. I might just be beautiful under all this lard.
That is a scary thought too. I like the protection of my fatsuit. I know those thoughts have a lot to do with my past. I need to start recogizing the truth from the lies. If I lose weight I will not be a target of every perv out there. It is hard to change mindsets that have been there for a LONG time.
BUT...
That too is changing...

2009-09-07T07:09:00.000-07:00

What a refreshing morning I have had. Walked my Girls to school today left in plenty of time to push myself up the hill ( Mount Sinai ). Starting all ready to notice a teeny weeny change as in the fire in my calves are not as bad. I was offered a lift back home by a friend and I happily declined and said no prefer to walk thanks. I actually did prefer the walk it wasn't a lie!!!

I saw a Mom on the other side of the rode jogging with her pram. I actually thought in a wee while that could be me.
Things are looking up!

I made a gorgeous veggy soup today. I couldnt of wanted a nicer lunch on this crisp fall day.

I am trying to take each day at a time. Not keep focusing on the weeks and months to come. If I can get through each day and eat and exercise right I will be doing great!
I am excited for what the future brings.

2009-09-05T02:20:00.000-07:00

I wonder when I am going to not allow him to have control over my emotions.

HE was meant to lift the girls today. I guess that is too much to ask to give me a time that he will be here at. Yeah looks like he cant bother to have them the whole day just a few hours. Pathetic. SO when I get annoyed at the whole pathetic situation, what do i do? Yep start throwing my single Mommy pity party, I like to have chips with that party. Chips and dip. Cake too?

I really need to somehow get over it. He is gonna continue to be a idiot. Does that mean I need to continue to kill myself by binging when he lets the kids down time after time. I need to be stronger then ever. I am not going to give in today. I am going to jump on the treadmill as soon as they leave and sweat!

2009-09-04T06:44:00.000-07:00

I hate the term "one thing just led to another" especially since my estranged husband is with someone else.

BUT in this i can understand...

I woke up this morning couldn't wait to get on the scale! I know I shouldn't weigh everyday its not healthy but what did i do? Yes. I went on the scale. It was not reflecting my near death experience climbing "Mount Sinai" yesterday. Instead it was singing a different tune all together. A tune that comes once a month! But being so heavy that tune is not just once a month it can come whenever the hell it wants. I was thoroughly ticked off.
Then it came.
The thought . THE THOUGHT THAT I TRY NOT TO ALLOW. Yes... it was the screw the whole thing its not working, I will always be fat, no hope.... blah blah freaking blah...
Think I will just eat Cheesy air now. OK a bottle of Red wine as well. Yeah some peanut butter and chocolate sounds great.
OK get the girls in the pram ( no car ) walk to the grocery store and get your binge on.
NO!!!!!
YES!!!!
NO. Don't do it Letta. OK just do it LETTA!

What kinda freak am I?

In the end I did go get cheesy air and red wine.
Feel crap. Feel weak. But really REALLY deep down I know I am strong.
I just need to make the right choices. Even if I get that adrenaline pumping binge urge. I need to STOP!
I hope I can make the right choice next time the urge comes on.
I have also learned that for me I need to only weigh once a week.

2009-09-03T06:00:00.000-07:00

ok so here's how it went....In my head. ( Mount Sinai )

OK BREATHE .... in through the nose out through the mouth. In through the nose out through the mouth.
I am not going to pass out.
My ankles are not made out of play dough.
BREATH WOMAN! In through the nose out through the mouth.....
You have to pick her up from her second day at school you cant just not show up.
How did that old man with the limp just pass me on the footpath?
Sh**
SO angry at letting myself get this way.
SH** Flippin HELL!!!
BREATHHHHHHHH.....
Your legs wont give out.
Just do it.
Your drenched because you cant fit into your rain coat.

Finally I got home and unlocked the door drank some water and FLIP I felt great!!!

2009-09-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

I have a had a really healthy day!
I know it is possible and I am not surprised that I can do it. The question is how long can I do it?
3 days... 3 weeks.... 2 months?

I do understand that I will mess up sometimes I just need to take it for the mess it is rather than make it a complete WRECK!

I am striving for a consistently healthy life. Mentally, Physically and Spiritually.
That is my goal.

2009-09-01T08:46:00.000-07:00

What a emotional day! Took My Baby to Nursery School today. SHE LOVED IT!

I think that today was hard because my firstborn is off to school for the first of a good many years. IT is a big thing. I am a single Mom and my kids are everything to me. I just adore them both. With that said the other big deal is the fact that I don't drive, so I am not going to allow myself to get a bus or cab I am walking her to school everyday. soooooo.......

Mount Sinai

The hill up to her school is going to be a huge challenge. I am getting a bit better walking everywhere. BUT when it comes to hills dragging my big ass and pushing a pram as well is difficult to say the least. I have to stop a couple of times to allow the fire in my calves to fizzle out a bit. IT IS PAIN! A few of my friends have said " don't worry you will be fine after a couple weeks of doing it. " They don't have a stinking clue. I reckon after a few months I wont have to get the fire extinguisher out half way there to hose those calves off. I am ready for this and I am willing to put the effort in. One thing that gets me is the weather I moved here to N. Ireland a few years back and being a Michigan girl originally this weather is so strange. I cant get over the fact that it starts out being a sunny day that turns to torrents of rain and back and forth 3 or 4 times in the same day. I really don't like being wet. OK I don't like being soaked through the bone. BUT of course the nice rain jacket I have is a size too small. SO I am like punishing myself till I get into it. LOL!

I know this is all going to help me reach my goal and I cant wait. I just might turn into the bitch of the week when it all starts.

I cant wait till it gets to be my normal.

Is there a ffw button?

2009-08-31T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well I cant believe that my baby girl is starting nursery school tomorrow.
The feeling I am getting anxious. With that comes of course the feeling to binge. As it seems every emotion possible.

I am sure anyone reading this is thinking what a winger. Get a grip woman!

I need to.

My plan this week is to GET A GRIP and as hard as it is and as all the energy it takes to muster I am going to beat this. THIS WEEK. Then I will do it again the next week and the next week...

I think I am gonna have to beat this binge devil minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day.

The results will come. Slowly but surely.

When my daughters were born I thought before they had their first Memory I wanted to be healthy and thinner. Year after year went by now she is starting nursery and here I am fatter than ever.

I have to do this now.

2009-08-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Well on this dark and rainy Sunday after being drenched walking home from church....

I felt a binge coming on. Quavers (cheesy air) was calling my name. I wanted a 6 multi pack to devour. Some peanut butter cups would do nicely too.
BUT.... I resisted!!!!!

Thank God. My legs felt like they were weighed down with lead as I finished the walk home pushing the pram with my two toddlers in.
I thought why waste all that effort on cheesy air?
I knew I had many times before.
WHY NOW?

Cause now is time for change.

Starting out

2009-08-29T03:33:00.000-07:00

I am a girl with struggles.

I have been reading a lot of weight loss blogs as of late and have been so encouraged. I am encouraged that I am not the only one out there with issues over food.
I am going to try and break these habits that have been in my life as long as I can remember.
Binge eating is the worst. I read http://escapefromobesity.blogspot.com/ and felt like she was taking the thoughts and words right out of my mouth and head. FREAKY. Just shows that I am not alone.
I actually have had a gastric band fitted over a year ago. YES I am one of the few that failed to work with it. I had to be stupid and cheat it. Its like I am obsessed with losing but obsessed with sabotaging myself as well.

I have a long road ahead of me...